Good Mommy Blogs are authored by women with no children.

I'm convinced that no "real" mommy has the time to be witty, creative and informative (at least not all at the same time!) I can't believe that it has been almost 4 months since my last confession -- I mean blog post. Whoops!
At the beginning of the year I made the far-overreaching goal of a daily post. Then, I thought that maybe once a week would work for me. Now, here it is 3 1/2 months later with 2 jobs, a house on the market and an impending move back East and I am just now finding the time at 2 a.m. to bitch and moan about how little time I have to write. Hmmm....the BP Oil Fiasco, famine, war, global warming and Amy doesn't have time to write. These are the struggles of the century.

I'm going to try to go to bed, secure in the fact that I am too busy to write because I am too busy enjoying Jack.

No promises, but I'm shooting for another post tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Motherhood is a contact sport

Today I have been bitten, kicked and swatted on the head. It is only 9:30 a.m.
No one told me that motherhood was a contact sport.

Jack isn't usually a violent kid, but when he gets over-tired, he apparently goes on auto-pilot and the hits start coming. Hard to discipline a kid that doesn't seem to grasp "No" yet (or, at least he hasn't let on that he understands the word.) Even more difficult to get my point across when he is laughing at me. Seriously. Laughing. I'm trying not to utter every four-letter word that I know as I remove his teeth from my shoulder and he is giggling with glee at my apparent displeasure. Am I allowed to bite back? That might not be the ideal method of parenting, but it would sure make me feel better!

Things heard around here this week

Having a baby in the house really changes the way our conversations go around here. Words and phrases that I never dreamed I would be saying are now spilling out of my mouth on a regular basis. Here are some of the highlights from this week:

"Please don't lick the caterpillar, Jack." (There is a big, rubbery caterpillar at our local mall's playground -- I don't regularly let Jack lick insects of any kind.)

"No cat tackling."

"It's just no fun to have poop on your fingers."

"What would you like to look at for breakfast this morning?"

"Why do people have babies, again?"

"Why are you painting that little girl's hair?" (said to Jack as he smeared green paint on a little girl at the Children's Museum.)

"You can't leave the house with boogers in your hair!"

"Where are your thumbs? I can't find your thumbs!" (said to Jack while getting dressed to make pulling on a shirt a little bit more fun.)

"Get out of the litter box, please." (said to Sophie and Jack.)

"Babies don't like soda."

"No, no, not in the hair, Jack" (said as Jack smeared blueberry yogurt on his head.)

"All the cool babies are wearing sweaters today..."

"Someday, Mommy is going to go out that door and she is never coming back." (Just kidding, I didn't really say this -- yet! I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.)

How Parenting an Infant is different from parenting a toddler

Apparently, there is a new set of rules that comes into play as your child moves through different stages of development. Infant protocol is drastically different from toddler protocol, which is different from pre-school protocol, etc. Don't even ask me about the teenage protocol -- I'm not sure the experts will ever figure that out!

Here are a few excerpts from the rule books:

Creating a safe and sanitary environment for your child.

For infants: Your baby will put everything he can grasp into his mouth. When this occurs, immediately swaddle your baby in a 100% organic cotton receiving blanket and place him in his $500 crib (created entirely from re-claimed wood.) Once you are certain that the baby is safely tucked away, take the mouthed item to the kitchen where it will be soaked in bleach for at least one hour and will then be run through the dishwasher -- twice.

For toddlers: Your child will continue to put everything he can grasp into his mouth, no matter how many times you try to stop him. When this occurs, immediately remove the mouthed item from your child's clenched teeth to check if it is a choking hazard. If you deem the item "safe" wipe it off on your jeans and return it to your child. Cleaning products and cat poop should be kept far away from your child as he will turn them into appetizers and cocktails.

Hygiene and Diaper Changing

For infants: Your breastfed baby will produce mass quantities of poop but they will not be offensive to your sensitive nose since you are a new parent and you will claim that your child's poop smells of daffodils. Your child will lay perfectly still for you as you lovingly apply 100% organic diaper cream to her tender bottom. She will coo as you put on her 100% organic cotton diaper and dress her.

For toddlers: Your sometimes breastfed, but mostly "real food" eater will produce mass quantities of poop and they will offend the noses of all who encounter them. You are now an experienced parent and you know that your child's poop not only doesn't smell like daffodils, it also doesn't smell like anything found in nature. Your child will wriggle and kick and scream as you try to slap drugstore diaper cream on her while trying to keep her hands out of the poopy diaper. She will try to bite you as you put on her landfill-bound Pampers diaper and she will twist and turn until she falls off of the changing table and into the laundry hamper.

Choosing toys for learning and emotional growth

For infants: Every waking moment is an opportunity for you to teach your child. Choose brightly colored (non-toxic, of course) toys created lovingly by skilled artisans. Natural materials are the only option. Spend at least 6 hours daily playing with your child.

For toddlers: Your child will shun all "learning" toys. Your child will play with pots, pans and Tupperware. Your child will chase the dog and tackle the cat. Your child will be happy playing with a wooden spoon and an empty Kleenex box. For this age group, spend at least 1 hour playing with your child and 5 hours cleaning up after your child.

Tune in tomorrow for more exciting parenting tips!

10 Places I wouldn't have been caught dead in just 2 years ago

I was just sitting here thinking how much has really changed in the past three years. One year was spent pregnant (or trying to get pregnant) and I now have almost 15 months of parenthood under my belt. I have become the woman that I used to make snide comments about under my breath. I was the woman that grumbled in a restaurant, a movie theater or on a plane when I found myself anywhere near a baby -- all three are places that I thought a child should never be allowed.

I have become a new kind of woman. I have become Mommy. Here are 10 places that I now frequent. Willingly. 10 places that, just 2 short years ago, I would have to have been dragged into, kicking and screaming.

1. The Children's Museum. There are children there. That was reason enough for me not to investigate this wonder of a building that I now thank my lucky stars for its existence. If it weren't for our weekly winter excursions to the CM I think Jack and I might have gone bonkers.
2. The Baby Department at Target (or Macy's, Dillard's, Nordstrom's, etc.) I have always been a big fan of Target. Weekly or bi-weekly trips have always been the norm. Until 2008, I had never stepped foot in the Baby department unless I was shopping from a registry, and even then, I had no idea what I was looking for. Now, this is the area of the store that I make a beeline for -- whether we need something or not!
3. The Model Train Show. Model trains? I am not a 6 year old boy, nor am I anyone's grandfather so I definitely don't belong at a model train show. That being said, I shelled out $20 plus $7 for parking yesterday so Rob, Jack and I could fight the crowds to look at tiny trains choo choo in circles. The sad part? I am the one that suggested it. Jack (and Rob) had a great time and I will only admit to my closest friends that I didn't hate it.
4. Gymboree/Little Monkey Bizness. For the uninitiated, these are both places where your kid can run and jump and scream in a relatively safe environment. Indoor playgrounds that cost $7.50 and up are a necessity for those of us that don't have palatial abodes that can accommodate a climbing rope or a slide. These places are awful -- loud, noisy, crowded, germ-infested. Full of kids. We're there at least twice each month.
5. Mall playgrounds. The "Flu Factory." I have worked in malls for much of my career. I made it a point to avoid these playgrounds like the plague. Now, I know which malls have the best, safest equipment and the times of day when each location is closed for cleaning so Jack and I can arrive just as the last spray of sanitizer is wiped clean.
6. The Children's section of any bookstore. Why in the world would I have gone in there? I was too busy checking out the Self-Help section...
7. Any restaurant with a "Kids Eat Free" policy. I'm a restaurant snob, I admit it. I didn't eat at chains, at restaurants that had a mascot or places with paper or vinyl tablecloths. Now, I frequent a website that lists out all of the local restaurants that serve free kid meals. The first thing I used to look at was the wine list, now the first thing I do when entering a new restaurant is look for the highchairs. If they don't have 'em, we're not eating there.
8. Shutterfly.com. If you had been to our house prior to Jack's arrival, you would have noticed that the only photos on our wall were from our wedding. We were married in 1998. Apparently, life stopped for us the moment we said "I do." I honestly don't think that we took a single photo worth printing, save for our honeymoon and our trip to Mexico. Now, the walls are plastered with Jack. Jack sleeping. Jack playing. Jack smiling coyly at the camera. I have purchased so many prints from Shutterfly that I should be listed as a major shareholder.
9. Babies 'R Us. Are you kidding me? Besides the ridiculous spelling of the store's name (I don't trust stores that use silly spelling for their names) it only has stuff for babies. No stilletos, no cosmetics department, no purses (no, diaper bags don't count.) Why would the "old me" have gone there?! Now, I make up reasons to go out of my way to shop here. They have everything. Sippy cups with Jack's name on them, stuffed Cookie Monsters, breast pads (breast pads??!!) I would register here for my birthday gifts if I didn't think that was a little over the top -- even for me.
10. Any secondhand or re-sale shop. Along with my restaurant snobbery came a love of all things new and shiny. Never before would I have purchased something that someone else wore or used. I didn't even like bowling because of the rented shoes! Now, I don't know what I would do without Goodwill or the many children's consignment shops that have been added to my favorite places to shop. I'm still a little iffy on bowling, though...

A short list of words that have infiltrated my daily vocabulary

Before I was a parent, I can't remember if I ever used any of the words on this list. Now, they all make an appearance at least once a day.

1. Poop
2. Lactate and/or Nursing
3. "Oink!" (I make a lot of animal noises. How does a bunny "go," anyways?)
4. Binky
5. "Nite, nite." (I know this is technically two words, but it's the same word repeated twice, so cut me some slack!)
6. "-ie" added to any noun (as in doggie, birdie, froggie, poopie, blankie)
7. Mommy (I refer to myself in the third person a lot...)
8. Daddy (I catch myself forgetting to call Rob by his name a lot...)
9. Snot (we see a lot of this around here...)
10. Boogers (we get a lot of these too!)

Why won't Jack eat (and other burning questions)

I dragged Jack out of the house yesterday -- sans nap -- for a re-check at the pediatrician following his first major ear infection. He is absolutely fine, but Mommy was chided for baby Jack's weight loss of 1/2 pound in one week. I wasn't going to argue with the scale, but I do remember that Jack was wearing a really heavy sweater and boots at his last weigh in. Shouldn't that count for something??

How was I supposed to force a sick baby to eat? I can't even get this kid to sit still long enough to snack when he is well!

Jack's Top 10 (or only 10) Foods right now

1. Gerber cheese puffs
2. Yogurt
3. Meatloaf
4. Burgers (sans bun)
5. Cheese quesadillas (preferably in a restaurant, not the ones that Mommy makes.)
6. Cheese -- any form.
7. Breakfast meat -- ham, sausage, etc.
8. Cheesy rice (are you sensing a pattern here?)
9. Pasta -- white sauce only, please.
10. Crackers and/or toast, depending on the day.

What happened to my superstar eater who would lunge at the spoon if you didn't get it to his mouth fast enough? Not a single fruit or vegetable will pass his lips unless it is disguised in a smoothie or diced up small enough that he can't pick it out. Now that Jack has (somewhat) mastered the spoon and fork, meals take soooooo much longer and he gets bored long before he has had enough to eat. He won't let anyone feed him since he is now such a "big boy" who doesn't need any assistance. Perhaps he would like to prepare his own meals too??

Thank God this kid is still nursing occasionally or I would be worried that he wasn't getting any nutrients at all!

That being said, I still enjoy the rare occasion when Jack will gobble up an entire chicken breast, a huge bowl of applesauce and will actually allow a vegetable into his mouth.

I didn't think that I would be dealing with a picky eater so early in the game. I fear what will happen at age 2 when he starts learning all about food phobias from the other kids.

The big question...baby #2?

Just as we were getting around to talking about what we used to do before we were mommies, what we might like to start doing again even though we are mommies, 3 of the mommies in my Meetup group are pregnant. At least 5 more are talking about getting pregnant. Me? I just listen and smile when the "baby #2" conversations start. I haven't ruled out the possibility but I have so many fears about doing this whole baby thing over again...

1. I haven't even stepped foot in a gym in the past year. There's NO way I'm adding 25 pounds of new baby weight when I haven't lost the 25 pounds from the first baby.
2. Most days, I think that I am really good at this Mommy business and I wonder why I didn't do it sooner. Then, there are days where I can't seem to get anything right, when everything I do is wrong and I wonder -- just for a moment -- why I even did it the first time.
3. Jack and I are just starting to get in a groove. Sleep patterns make sense (most of the time) and eating goes well (some of the time) and playing and learning is wonderful (all of the time!) How does another baby fit into our groove? Does Jack get left out? Does the junior addition suffer for attention while I continue to dote on Jack?
4. There may actually be a point when I decide to go back to work -- doing what, I have absolutely no idea. Two kids in daycare? Wait another 5 years until both are in school? By that point, many of my skills will be totally obsolete and I'll be an entry-level slave again. That idea horrifies me.
5. We'll have to move. Our house was relatively small pre-Jack and now, post-Jack, it looks like I am running an in-home daycare most of the time. We can't get rid of anymore furniture and with no basement and no usable attic space, we can't hide anything else away. Maybe we can rent out the vacant house next door as a storage unit?
6. How do you love two babies at once? I can't even imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love Jack. I don't know how to share my heart with anyone other than the two men in my life now. Does something have to give? Do you stop loving the others so much to make room for a new person?
7. I am just starting to allow myself to carve out some "me" time. If I have another baby attached to me 24/7, where does Amy go? Do I permanently become "Mommy?"
8. Finances. I don't really need to elaborate on this one. I know that we have already incurred most of the start-up costs, but I am kidding myself if I say that another baby wouldn't be expensive. First off, it could be a girl. We are only equipped for boys around here. Blue and brown, trucks and cars. Any daughter of mine would have an identity crisis by age 1 if we didn't add some dolls into the mix. Then, multiple everything by 2: music lessons, sports team fees, cars, college. And diapers. Lots of diapers. We're still looking at another year or so of Jack in diapers, but two at the same time? Rob will need to get a second job just to cover our grocery bills. Maybe I can just use paper towels and some duct tape?
9. Tick tock. Tick tock. That's Amy's biological clock ticking. The ovarian sands through the hourglass. I'm 37 now and that used to be my "scary" age for having a baby. I beat that milestone with Jack, but even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 38 for this one. If I really want to beat myself up, I can think about the future: How old will I be when Jack gets his driver's license? When he graduates from high school? When he gets married? Will I need a walker to dance with him at his wedding? Yikes. I'm starting to feel older as I type.
10. No more extended stays in the NICU. We spent 28 days there with Jack and I'm not sure if my heart can take that again. There's a 25% chance that I could develop pre-eclampsia again. What if I'm not in the lucky 75%? How do I spend night and day with a new baby in the hospital and leave Jack at home to fend for himself? How do I steel my heart against the remote possibility that we won't be taking a baby home with us? Or, even worse, what if I actually have to go through "natural" childbirth this time? I didn't even get through all of the birthing classes last time. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to push. I only know how to lay still for an epidural and then let everyone else do the work for me.

So many fears. So many questions. I guess I'll know if it's right. And, if it isn't the right decision for us, I'll be secure in the fact that Jack is a perfect addition to our family and that we couldn't ever have asked for more.

But, my neighbor just brought home her new baby. 7 pounds 10 ounces of warm, mushy baby. I made the mistake of holding him last week. Ten tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. Totally helpless and totally adorable.

Maybe that's reason enough.

Why isn't there a Universal Remote for babies?

While watching Jack walk around the living room with our Universal Remote in his mouth, I started thinking, "Why isn't there a Universal Remote for babies?" This led to a brief discussion with Rob about the functions of this remote and what a super-duper-schmuper idea this was!

The features of the Baby Remote would be as follows:

Pause: Baby freezes in position just long enough for Mommy to locate the digital camera to capture this perfect moment in time -- this will come in very handy when Mommy has to look through 2 purses, one diaper bag, a few drawers and eventually, the backseat of the car, to find the damn camera.

Record: Baby's milestones are saved for all to see. This will be wonderful for showing all of Jack's most awe-inspiring moments (Jack picks his nose for the first time, Jack bites the dog's tail, Jack sets the correct time on the VCR, etc.) to friends, family, neighbors and even to people I meet in the grocery store checkout line!

Sleep: Most TV remotes have a sleep timer, so it seems logical that the Baby Remote would have one as well. Think of all of the wonderful naps (in 15 minute increments) that Jack would have enjoyed over the past 14 months if I had only had this button to press. I really wish I had this remote right about now, as I just spent 35 minutes fighting with a very tired baby to get him to go down for a long-overdue afternoon nap...

Rewind: "Hey, everyone! Look at the wonderful parlor trick that we just taught Jack! He can juggle 2 pacifiers and the cat at the same time!" Enough said.

Also useful for those times when Jack does something amazing for me during the day when Rob isn't home to see it and then, no matter how hard I try, I can't get Jack to re-create the skill when Rob gets home. Either Jack has forgotten what he did or he is trying to make me look like a big, fat liar.

Fast-forward: Useful at those times when a tantrum is in full-swing, when we are stuck in traffic well-past nap time and during horrible baby illnesses like ear infections or the stomach flu.

Warning! Do not overuse this function or your baby will be 17 years old and applying to colleges before you know it and you won't be able to find the remote (since it is buried in the sofa) to press the rewind button.

Play: I don't really think that I need this button on my personal Baby Remote, but some parents of docile, compliant babies might appreciate this to give their child a little "get up and go!" Jack doesn't need anymore "get up and go." Jack needs a little more "sit down and read quietly to yourself while Mommy naps."

I really think that I might be onto something here. Fisher-Price, are you listening??

Mommies need a break (part deux)

I am scrapping the New Year's Resolution to get 365 posts done this year. I am having trouble finding the time to sit down to collect my thoughts most days so I'm taking the pressure off of myself. I'll blog as often as I can and I'll just remind myself that resolutions rarely stick -- all you have to do to prove this one is walk into my gym in January and then walk into my gym in February. Big difference in the crowds!

To know what kind of day I had today, just read last week's post. Perfect replica. No nap to speak of this morning, then I hauled Jack off to a play date at his gal pal Harper's house. He was the life of the party -- most of the mommies hadn't seen Jack upright yet so it was a proud moment for both of us. He ran around like a madman and (thankfully) didn't hit anyone, break anything or cause any trouble other than being constantly drawn to the buttons on Harper's gigantic TV. On the way home he was the classic Sleepy Baby, rubbing his red eyes and yawning so big that I could see down his throat. Once we got inside and he realized that we were on the way to his room, the yelling and the kicking began. Calmly, I continued on like nothing was happening and tried to get him to lay down. 30 minutes of screaming followed by 20 minutes of calming him down and we were back to playing in the living room.

It just can't be this hard! First, it was 2 good, long naps. Then it was one good, long nap (for 3 days.) Now, we are down to no naps and Jack is so exhausted by the end of the day that he has trouble overnight too! Aaargh! Can't a mommy catch a break??

We've got no plans tomorrow so the timing of the naps isn't so critical. Maybe I'll be able to calm down a little bit and just go with the flow. Probably not, but it's a nice idea, isn't it?