Jack Thinks that Halloween is Hilarious

Ingredients for a belly laugh? Just take a funny voice from Daddy paired with an Elmo Halloween card and you end up with this video.

Halloween #1 is down in the history books. We visited 6 houses, stole the candy that we wanted to eat from Jack's bucket and gave the rest away to the neighborhood kids. Jack didn't get much out of the whole thing but he was definitely a trooper and wore the fireman costume for about 3 hours today -- not only for the trick or treating, but while passing out candy on the porch and for his big Sears photo shoot this morning. Next year will be much more exciting when he can voice his own opinions on costume choices and I might actually let him eat some of the candy.

Happy Halloween!

This is Amy math...

Keep your hats on -- this might be a little advanced for the uninitiated...

Amy math is a fairly new concept. It's not being taught in schools yet, but it might be a part of the curriculum soon. In a nutshell, Amy math is the way that I justify purchases by telling Rob how much money I have saved us by buying something. It goes something like this:

"Hi sweetie! How was your day?" Then, without waiting for an answer, I launch into a diatribe of all the places we went that day, all the people we saw and all of the things we did. Somewhere in the middle of this travelogue I will insert one of the following equations:

1. "So, you know how I haven't had to buy tampons for 18 months now? I decided since I was saving us $8 every month that I would buy a Santa suit for Jack."
2. "So, you know how I don't have to pay a $14.99 sitting fee every time we go to Sears to have Jack's pictures taken? I decided to use the $90 that I saved us to buy myself 3 new sweaters. Also, I got you some socks."
3. "So, you know how we haven't been out to eat in, like, 4 months? I decided to use the $150 that we would have been spending on food, drinks and tips to buy Jack a trampoline."
4. "So, you know how our insurance co-pays went from $30 to $15? I decided that with the hundreds of dollars that we will be saving this year that I would buy a puppy."
5. "So, you know how Jack's hospital bills came to just over $180,000? Since we only had to fork over $2000 in co-pays , I decided that I would use the $178,000 that we saved to buy a vacation home. An inexpensive vacation home, but a vacation home nonetheless. We need to get away sometimes."

Like I said. It's advanced. Not for the faint of heart. Poor Rob has been struggling with this concept for almost 20 years now and he still has trouble keeping up.

I am happy to report that with the $40 I saved just by posting this blog entry electronically instead of mailing out hard copies or using precious cell phone minutes to tell everyone about this concept I will be buying Jack 5 new boardbooks. See how easy that is??

10 Things that Jack couldn't say this week (but he wanted to...)

Since Jack can only say one word right now -- "Mama" -- I have designated myself as his translator/spokesperson. These are the Top 10 Things that Jack wanted to say this week (but couldn't.)

1. "Naps are for babies. I'm not a baby, therefore I do not have to nap. End of story."
2. "Read this book to me one more time. Okay, two more times. What I really mean is: read this book to me until I deem it appropriate for you to stop. I don't care if you know this book backwards and forwards, I continue to find subtle nuances in the text each and every time we read it."
3. " Yogurt is the only food that I really need to eat. Toss in some milk once in a while and I'm good to go. Really. No other food preparation is necessary. I want to make this as easy on you as possible, Mom!"
4. " Lucy (the cat) really loves it when I pull on her tail. She told me. Really. No kidding. Do you doubt me? Can you talk to animals? I didn't think so..."
5. "This car seat sucks. Why am I sitting backwards. You're not sitting backwards..."
6. "Why are you putting all of these clothes on me? I don't need to wear 3 layers....and, no, wait, socks? Not the socks. You know that I hate the socks. Don't you know by now that I will just pull those things off the second you put me down on the floor?! Why don't you ever learn, Mommy?"
7. "Why do you keep putting a bowl of water on the floor if I can't play in it? I don't care if it is technically for the dog...it's in my path and I'm going to splash in it. If you don't like it, move the bowl!"
8. "Mommy, don't you know that the more you childproof the house, the smarter I get? Every device you install challenges me to find new and more exciting (and dangerous) things to climb on, climb in or pull up on. I can not be stopped!"
9. "Why won't you just let me do what I want? If I really want to poke my fingers into the electrical outlet or to slam my fingers in a drawer or to fall down the steps, I'm going to find a way to do it. You can't outsmart me. I am invincible! " (Insert evil, menacing laugh here.)
10. "Put that F@#$&%& camera away!"
    

Jack isn't a snow bunny

It might have been the timing...

14 inches of snow on the ground. 8 a.m. Just woke up from a nice, long sleep. Spent 20 minutes struggling to get on the coat, hat, boots, mittens and warm under layers. Jack was in the snow for 15 seconds -- 5 of which was spent face down -- before we all went back inside.

We'll try again next time. It is Denver, after all. We'll have plenty of chances to introduce Jack to winter weather.

I admit that it must be hard to enjoy so much snow when you can't walk and when your boots and your mittens keep falling off and your hat is in your eyes and your mom is pointing a camera at you. Also, how am I supposed to explain snow angels to someone who hasn't mastered "bye bye" yet?!

10 Ways I love my son differently than I love my husband

1. I would never let Rob throw up on me 5 times in a row and then let him snuggle up for comfort.
2. I would never leave the house with vomit in my hair, even if Rob asked me to -- for any reason.
   
3. I would never sit in the car for an hour doing crossword puzzles so Rob could finish enjoying a nap in the backseat.
4. I do not prepare 6 healthy meals and snacks a day for Rob to eat.
5. I do not buy Rob a toy every time I make a trip to Target. In my defense, Rob's toys are too expensive!
6. Jack gets to see my boobs way more than Rob does.
7. Jack has 4 different modes of transportation (including 2 strollers, the car seat and being carried.) Rob has only 2 (the car and the train.) Also, I almost never carry Rob anywhere and he never gets to use the car because Jack and I are always using it.
8. I spend much more time Googling how to care for babies than I ever spent Googling how to care for husbands.
9. I go on more dates with Jack than I do with Rob. Sure, they are play dates, but they still count!
10. I don't tell "poop" jokes to make Rob laugh. Jack thinks they are awesome! Wait -- now that I think about it, Rob thinks they are awesome too...
    

Flu Season hits our house

So as if the common cold weren't enough, Jack decided to check out the new and exciting world of stomach flu this week. Honestly I had no idea that that much vomit could come out of such a small person. Think "The Exorcist" and you're getting close to what we were dealing with. Jack had a smile on his face throughout most of the ordeal -- even a trip to Children's Hospital yesterday after Mommy freaked out because not even water was staying down. 2 hours, 2 tablets of anti-nausea medicine and a $300 bottle of Pedialyte later (just a guess on the price -- insurance will be picking up this tab) we were home for a nap and some more recuperation time. Also tallied up for the 2 days of sickness were 7 loads of laundry, 8 changes of clothes for Mommy, 2 missed naps (for both Jack and Mommy) and countless numbers of diapers. Having had lots of time to think about sickness and taking care of sick people while trying to get Jack calmed down enough to sleep has led me to this next post...

10 things that I am not allowed to do now that I am a mommy

Now, before anyone gets upset, this is my personal list. I am not saying that all mommies are not allowed to do these things. Just me. Also remember that this is all in fun (mostly) so you shouldn't take it so seriously!

1. Take a day off.
2. Get sick.
3. If you do get sick (Bad mommy, bad mommy!) you can't take any of the "good" medicine (NyQuil, Robitussin, TheraFlu, Codeine, etc.) Benadryl and prayer are your only options. **Applies only to breastfeeding mommies.
4. Watch a movie from beginning to end. Finish watching an entire t.v. show. Finish a crossword puzzle (you have forgotten all of your "big words") or finish a thought...wait, what was I just doing??! Oh yeah, the rest of the list...
   
5. Stay awake past 9 p.m.
   
6. Sleep through the night. Now that Jack sleeps through the night just fine, I can't seem to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.
7. Swear. I used to swear like a sailor. Now I insert the word "poop" where I used to be able to shout "F@$&!"
8. Wear anything that says "Dry Clean Only." (as a side note -- did you know that some baby clothes actually say this too? Who would be crazy enough to dress a baby in something that can't go in the washing machine??)
9. Leave Target without somehow ending up in the Baby department -- even if you don't need anything from the Baby department -- and buying something that you never knew you needed, wanted or would ever have the desire to buy.
   
10. Rinse, lather AND repeat. I really miss the repeat...
    

10 Ways to tell if you are a "real" mommy yet...

1. Your child is wearing a $30 Gymboree sweater and $40 Calvin Klein jeans. You, however, are wearing a $12 hoodie from Target and you have a hole in your sock. You are still, however, wearing lipstick that you paid $30 for to try to make yourself feel "girlie" again...
   
2. In your diaper bag you have the following snacks for your child: a sippy cup full of organic apple juice, a bag of raisins that you dried yourself, 3 different kinds of organic cereal puffs and a bottle of water. When you are hungry, you search desperately in your purse for a leftover restaurant mint.
3. Your once immaculate car now is home to 2 strollers, a shopping cart cover, 3 stuffed animals, 5 teething toys, 2 baby coats, a water-resistant blanket to use at the park and lots of old Mapquest directions to various playgroup activities.
4. You used to do 2 loads of laundry per week -- one lights and one darks. You now do laundry every day and your sorting technique now includes a "poop" load and a "vomit" load.
5. Your once svelte dog is now 12 pounds overweight since she no longer has your undivided attention.
6. You haven't seen a movie with swear words in 10 months.
7. You forget that your birthday is coming up, instead focusing on your child's birthday that is 2 months away.
8. You forget to buy toilet paper but never forget to buy breast pads.
9. You plan your life around naps. Not your naps. Your child's naps.
10. You haven't set your alarm clock in 10 months.
    

Jack's new carseat

The time has finally come to retire the teeny weeny baby car seat for a new, improved and much roomier version. Jack's Car seat 2.0.

Jack had WAY more fun with the box that the car seat came in than he will ever have sitting in the car seat. I'm sure of it! This one should carry us through 3 or 4 years and 30 or 40 more pounds. I can't even imagine...
The only drawback? Only one cup holder. What is a kid on the go supposed to do if he needs a bottled water and a cappuccino?? Design issues aside, this is a great new addition to our growing pile of baby equipment.

Daddy is so pleased...

Rob is just so pleased. Jack is checking out the game. Even if it is the Broncos and not the Rams. I'm sure that his interest has nothing to do with the motion and the fun colors and the flashing lights and the clapping and the yelling. I'm sure that Jack is quite interested in all of the finer points of the game and just can't wait to spend each and every Sunday afternoon (and Monday night and Thursday night and sometimes Saturdays) happily zoning out on the couch with Daddy. Eating nachos and drinking milk. Fun, fun, fun!

Speaking of clapping -- Jack learned how to do it this weekend. He does it A LOT! In restaurants, at Home Depot, in the car, in his play yard, in the tub, while eating dinner and probably in his sleep if he can figure out how to stay asleep while clapping. Cute trick. I'm going to see if I can morph this new skill into Pat-a-cake. I've got lofty goals this week....

Two Jacks? Can't even imagine it...

Photo day at Sears. Snazzy vest and dress shirt combo. Didn't fuss a bit. Good boy, Jack! Totally serious about everything (getting into character, maybe?) until the cute little photographer shook a stuffed frog and said "Hey there, handsome boy!" and then Jack really turned on the cheese. 20 goofy shots with fake leaves and fake backgrounds and I love every one. Jack had a ball checking himself out in the mirror while we waited to choose our poses and to fill out all of the financial aid paperwork to pay for them.

This photo got me thinking...
If I have this much trouble keeping track of one kid, how in the world do moms (and dads) manage not to lose a second kid whenever they leave the house?? Even pondering this is giving me a headache.