Good Mommy Blogs are authored by women with no children.

I'm convinced that no "real" mommy has the time to be witty, creative and informative (at least not all at the same time!) I can't believe that it has been almost 4 months since my last confession -- I mean blog post. Whoops!
At the beginning of the year I made the far-overreaching goal of a daily post. Then, I thought that maybe once a week would work for me. Now, here it is 3 1/2 months later with 2 jobs, a house on the market and an impending move back East and I am just now finding the time at 2 a.m. to bitch and moan about how little time I have to write. Hmmm....the BP Oil Fiasco, famine, war, global warming and Amy doesn't have time to write. These are the struggles of the century.

I'm going to try to go to bed, secure in the fact that I am too busy to write because I am too busy enjoying Jack.

No promises, but I'm shooting for another post tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Motherhood is a contact sport

Today I have been bitten, kicked and swatted on the head. It is only 9:30 a.m.
No one told me that motherhood was a contact sport.

Jack isn't usually a violent kid, but when he gets over-tired, he apparently goes on auto-pilot and the hits start coming. Hard to discipline a kid that doesn't seem to grasp "No" yet (or, at least he hasn't let on that he understands the word.) Even more difficult to get my point across when he is laughing at me. Seriously. Laughing. I'm trying not to utter every four-letter word that I know as I remove his teeth from my shoulder and he is giggling with glee at my apparent displeasure. Am I allowed to bite back? That might not be the ideal method of parenting, but it would sure make me feel better!

Things heard around here this week

Having a baby in the house really changes the way our conversations go around here. Words and phrases that I never dreamed I would be saying are now spilling out of my mouth on a regular basis. Here are some of the highlights from this week:

"Please don't lick the caterpillar, Jack." (There is a big, rubbery caterpillar at our local mall's playground -- I don't regularly let Jack lick insects of any kind.)

"No cat tackling."

"It's just no fun to have poop on your fingers."

"What would you like to look at for breakfast this morning?"

"Why do people have babies, again?"

"Why are you painting that little girl's hair?" (said to Jack as he smeared green paint on a little girl at the Children's Museum.)

"You can't leave the house with boogers in your hair!"

"Where are your thumbs? I can't find your thumbs!" (said to Jack while getting dressed to make pulling on a shirt a little bit more fun.)

"Get out of the litter box, please." (said to Sophie and Jack.)

"Babies don't like soda."

"No, no, not in the hair, Jack" (said as Jack smeared blueberry yogurt on his head.)

"All the cool babies are wearing sweaters today..."

"Someday, Mommy is going to go out that door and she is never coming back." (Just kidding, I didn't really say this -- yet! I just wanted to make sure you were paying attention.)

How Parenting an Infant is different from parenting a toddler

Apparently, there is a new set of rules that comes into play as your child moves through different stages of development. Infant protocol is drastically different from toddler protocol, which is different from pre-school protocol, etc. Don't even ask me about the teenage protocol -- I'm not sure the experts will ever figure that out!

Here are a few excerpts from the rule books:

Creating a safe and sanitary environment for your child.

For infants: Your baby will put everything he can grasp into his mouth. When this occurs, immediately swaddle your baby in a 100% organic cotton receiving blanket and place him in his $500 crib (created entirely from re-claimed wood.) Once you are certain that the baby is safely tucked away, take the mouthed item to the kitchen where it will be soaked in bleach for at least one hour and will then be run through the dishwasher -- twice.

For toddlers: Your child will continue to put everything he can grasp into his mouth, no matter how many times you try to stop him. When this occurs, immediately remove the mouthed item from your child's clenched teeth to check if it is a choking hazard. If you deem the item "safe" wipe it off on your jeans and return it to your child. Cleaning products and cat poop should be kept far away from your child as he will turn them into appetizers and cocktails.

Hygiene and Diaper Changing

For infants: Your breastfed baby will produce mass quantities of poop but they will not be offensive to your sensitive nose since you are a new parent and you will claim that your child's poop smells of daffodils. Your child will lay perfectly still for you as you lovingly apply 100% organic diaper cream to her tender bottom. She will coo as you put on her 100% organic cotton diaper and dress her.

For toddlers: Your sometimes breastfed, but mostly "real food" eater will produce mass quantities of poop and they will offend the noses of all who encounter them. You are now an experienced parent and you know that your child's poop not only doesn't smell like daffodils, it also doesn't smell like anything found in nature. Your child will wriggle and kick and scream as you try to slap drugstore diaper cream on her while trying to keep her hands out of the poopy diaper. She will try to bite you as you put on her landfill-bound Pampers diaper and she will twist and turn until she falls off of the changing table and into the laundry hamper.

Choosing toys for learning and emotional growth

For infants: Every waking moment is an opportunity for you to teach your child. Choose brightly colored (non-toxic, of course) toys created lovingly by skilled artisans. Natural materials are the only option. Spend at least 6 hours daily playing with your child.

For toddlers: Your child will shun all "learning" toys. Your child will play with pots, pans and Tupperware. Your child will chase the dog and tackle the cat. Your child will be happy playing with a wooden spoon and an empty Kleenex box. For this age group, spend at least 1 hour playing with your child and 5 hours cleaning up after your child.

Tune in tomorrow for more exciting parenting tips!

10 Places I wouldn't have been caught dead in just 2 years ago

I was just sitting here thinking how much has really changed in the past three years. One year was spent pregnant (or trying to get pregnant) and I now have almost 15 months of parenthood under my belt. I have become the woman that I used to make snide comments about under my breath. I was the woman that grumbled in a restaurant, a movie theater or on a plane when I found myself anywhere near a baby -- all three are places that I thought a child should never be allowed.

I have become a new kind of woman. I have become Mommy. Here are 10 places that I now frequent. Willingly. 10 places that, just 2 short years ago, I would have to have been dragged into, kicking and screaming.

1. The Children's Museum. There are children there. That was reason enough for me not to investigate this wonder of a building that I now thank my lucky stars for its existence. If it weren't for our weekly winter excursions to the CM I think Jack and I might have gone bonkers.
2. The Baby Department at Target (or Macy's, Dillard's, Nordstrom's, etc.) I have always been a big fan of Target. Weekly or bi-weekly trips have always been the norm. Until 2008, I had never stepped foot in the Baby department unless I was shopping from a registry, and even then, I had no idea what I was looking for. Now, this is the area of the store that I make a beeline for -- whether we need something or not!
3. The Model Train Show. Model trains? I am not a 6 year old boy, nor am I anyone's grandfather so I definitely don't belong at a model train show. That being said, I shelled out $20 plus $7 for parking yesterday so Rob, Jack and I could fight the crowds to look at tiny trains choo choo in circles. The sad part? I am the one that suggested it. Jack (and Rob) had a great time and I will only admit to my closest friends that I didn't hate it.
4. Gymboree/Little Monkey Bizness. For the uninitiated, these are both places where your kid can run and jump and scream in a relatively safe environment. Indoor playgrounds that cost $7.50 and up are a necessity for those of us that don't have palatial abodes that can accommodate a climbing rope or a slide. These places are awful -- loud, noisy, crowded, germ-infested. Full of kids. We're there at least twice each month.
5. Mall playgrounds. The "Flu Factory." I have worked in malls for much of my career. I made it a point to avoid these playgrounds like the plague. Now, I know which malls have the best, safest equipment and the times of day when each location is closed for cleaning so Jack and I can arrive just as the last spray of sanitizer is wiped clean.
6. The Children's section of any bookstore. Why in the world would I have gone in there? I was too busy checking out the Self-Help section...
7. Any restaurant with a "Kids Eat Free" policy. I'm a restaurant snob, I admit it. I didn't eat at chains, at restaurants that had a mascot or places with paper or vinyl tablecloths. Now, I frequent a website that lists out all of the local restaurants that serve free kid meals. The first thing I used to look at was the wine list, now the first thing I do when entering a new restaurant is look for the highchairs. If they don't have 'em, we're not eating there.
8. Shutterfly.com. If you had been to our house prior to Jack's arrival, you would have noticed that the only photos on our wall were from our wedding. We were married in 1998. Apparently, life stopped for us the moment we said "I do." I honestly don't think that we took a single photo worth printing, save for our honeymoon and our trip to Mexico. Now, the walls are plastered with Jack. Jack sleeping. Jack playing. Jack smiling coyly at the camera. I have purchased so many prints from Shutterfly that I should be listed as a major shareholder.
9. Babies 'R Us. Are you kidding me? Besides the ridiculous spelling of the store's name (I don't trust stores that use silly spelling for their names) it only has stuff for babies. No stilletos, no cosmetics department, no purses (no, diaper bags don't count.) Why would the "old me" have gone there?! Now, I make up reasons to go out of my way to shop here. They have everything. Sippy cups with Jack's name on them, stuffed Cookie Monsters, breast pads (breast pads??!!) I would register here for my birthday gifts if I didn't think that was a little over the top -- even for me.
10. Any secondhand or re-sale shop. Along with my restaurant snobbery came a love of all things new and shiny. Never before would I have purchased something that someone else wore or used. I didn't even like bowling because of the rented shoes! Now, I don't know what I would do without Goodwill or the many children's consignment shops that have been added to my favorite places to shop. I'm still a little iffy on bowling, though...

A short list of words that have infiltrated my daily vocabulary

Before I was a parent, I can't remember if I ever used any of the words on this list. Now, they all make an appearance at least once a day.

1. Poop
2. Lactate and/or Nursing
3. "Oink!" (I make a lot of animal noises. How does a bunny "go," anyways?)
4. Binky
5. "Nite, nite." (I know this is technically two words, but it's the same word repeated twice, so cut me some slack!)
6. "-ie" added to any noun (as in doggie, birdie, froggie, poopie, blankie)
7. Mommy (I refer to myself in the third person a lot...)
8. Daddy (I catch myself forgetting to call Rob by his name a lot...)
9. Snot (we see a lot of this around here...)
10. Boogers (we get a lot of these too!)

Why won't Jack eat (and other burning questions)

I dragged Jack out of the house yesterday -- sans nap -- for a re-check at the pediatrician following his first major ear infection. He is absolutely fine, but Mommy was chided for baby Jack's weight loss of 1/2 pound in one week. I wasn't going to argue with the scale, but I do remember that Jack was wearing a really heavy sweater and boots at his last weigh in. Shouldn't that count for something??

How was I supposed to force a sick baby to eat? I can't even get this kid to sit still long enough to snack when he is well!

Jack's Top 10 (or only 10) Foods right now

1. Gerber cheese puffs
2. Yogurt
3. Meatloaf
4. Burgers (sans bun)
5. Cheese quesadillas (preferably in a restaurant, not the ones that Mommy makes.)
6. Cheese -- any form.
7. Breakfast meat -- ham, sausage, etc.
8. Cheesy rice (are you sensing a pattern here?)
9. Pasta -- white sauce only, please.
10. Crackers and/or toast, depending on the day.

What happened to my superstar eater who would lunge at the spoon if you didn't get it to his mouth fast enough? Not a single fruit or vegetable will pass his lips unless it is disguised in a smoothie or diced up small enough that he can't pick it out. Now that Jack has (somewhat) mastered the spoon and fork, meals take soooooo much longer and he gets bored long before he has had enough to eat. He won't let anyone feed him since he is now such a "big boy" who doesn't need any assistance. Perhaps he would like to prepare his own meals too??

Thank God this kid is still nursing occasionally or I would be worried that he wasn't getting any nutrients at all!

That being said, I still enjoy the rare occasion when Jack will gobble up an entire chicken breast, a huge bowl of applesauce and will actually allow a vegetable into his mouth.

I didn't think that I would be dealing with a picky eater so early in the game. I fear what will happen at age 2 when he starts learning all about food phobias from the other kids.

The big question...baby #2?

Just as we were getting around to talking about what we used to do before we were mommies, what we might like to start doing again even though we are mommies, 3 of the mommies in my Meetup group are pregnant. At least 5 more are talking about getting pregnant. Me? I just listen and smile when the "baby #2" conversations start. I haven't ruled out the possibility but I have so many fears about doing this whole baby thing over again...

1. I haven't even stepped foot in a gym in the past year. There's NO way I'm adding 25 pounds of new baby weight when I haven't lost the 25 pounds from the first baby.
2. Most days, I think that I am really good at this Mommy business and I wonder why I didn't do it sooner. Then, there are days where I can't seem to get anything right, when everything I do is wrong and I wonder -- just for a moment -- why I even did it the first time.
3. Jack and I are just starting to get in a groove. Sleep patterns make sense (most of the time) and eating goes well (some of the time) and playing and learning is wonderful (all of the time!) How does another baby fit into our groove? Does Jack get left out? Does the junior addition suffer for attention while I continue to dote on Jack?
4. There may actually be a point when I decide to go back to work -- doing what, I have absolutely no idea. Two kids in daycare? Wait another 5 years until both are in school? By that point, many of my skills will be totally obsolete and I'll be an entry-level slave again. That idea horrifies me.
5. We'll have to move. Our house was relatively small pre-Jack and now, post-Jack, it looks like I am running an in-home daycare most of the time. We can't get rid of anymore furniture and with no basement and no usable attic space, we can't hide anything else away. Maybe we can rent out the vacant house next door as a storage unit?
6. How do you love two babies at once? I can't even imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love Jack. I don't know how to share my heart with anyone other than the two men in my life now. Does something have to give? Do you stop loving the others so much to make room for a new person?
7. I am just starting to allow myself to carve out some "me" time. If I have another baby attached to me 24/7, where does Amy go? Do I permanently become "Mommy?"
8. Finances. I don't really need to elaborate on this one. I know that we have already incurred most of the start-up costs, but I am kidding myself if I say that another baby wouldn't be expensive. First off, it could be a girl. We are only equipped for boys around here. Blue and brown, trucks and cars. Any daughter of mine would have an identity crisis by age 1 if we didn't add some dolls into the mix. Then, multiple everything by 2: music lessons, sports team fees, cars, college. And diapers. Lots of diapers. We're still looking at another year or so of Jack in diapers, but two at the same time? Rob will need to get a second job just to cover our grocery bills. Maybe I can just use paper towels and some duct tape?
9. Tick tock. Tick tock. That's Amy's biological clock ticking. The ovarian sands through the hourglass. I'm 37 now and that used to be my "scary" age for having a baby. I beat that milestone with Jack, but even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 38 for this one. If I really want to beat myself up, I can think about the future: How old will I be when Jack gets his driver's license? When he graduates from high school? When he gets married? Will I need a walker to dance with him at his wedding? Yikes. I'm starting to feel older as I type.
10. No more extended stays in the NICU. We spent 28 days there with Jack and I'm not sure if my heart can take that again. There's a 25% chance that I could develop pre-eclampsia again. What if I'm not in the lucky 75%? How do I spend night and day with a new baby in the hospital and leave Jack at home to fend for himself? How do I steel my heart against the remote possibility that we won't be taking a baby home with us? Or, even worse, what if I actually have to go through "natural" childbirth this time? I didn't even get through all of the birthing classes last time. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to push. I only know how to lay still for an epidural and then let everyone else do the work for me.

So many fears. So many questions. I guess I'll know if it's right. And, if it isn't the right decision for us, I'll be secure in the fact that Jack is a perfect addition to our family and that we couldn't ever have asked for more.

But, my neighbor just brought home her new baby. 7 pounds 10 ounces of warm, mushy baby. I made the mistake of holding him last week. Ten tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. Totally helpless and totally adorable.

Maybe that's reason enough.

Why isn't there a Universal Remote for babies?

While watching Jack walk around the living room with our Universal Remote in his mouth, I started thinking, "Why isn't there a Universal Remote for babies?" This led to a brief discussion with Rob about the functions of this remote and what a super-duper-schmuper idea this was!

The features of the Baby Remote would be as follows:

Pause: Baby freezes in position just long enough for Mommy to locate the digital camera to capture this perfect moment in time -- this will come in very handy when Mommy has to look through 2 purses, one diaper bag, a few drawers and eventually, the backseat of the car, to find the damn camera.

Record: Baby's milestones are saved for all to see. This will be wonderful for showing all of Jack's most awe-inspiring moments (Jack picks his nose for the first time, Jack bites the dog's tail, Jack sets the correct time on the VCR, etc.) to friends, family, neighbors and even to people I meet in the grocery store checkout line!

Sleep: Most TV remotes have a sleep timer, so it seems logical that the Baby Remote would have one as well. Think of all of the wonderful naps (in 15 minute increments) that Jack would have enjoyed over the past 14 months if I had only had this button to press. I really wish I had this remote right about now, as I just spent 35 minutes fighting with a very tired baby to get him to go down for a long-overdue afternoon nap...

Rewind: "Hey, everyone! Look at the wonderful parlor trick that we just taught Jack! He can juggle 2 pacifiers and the cat at the same time!" Enough said.

Also useful for those times when Jack does something amazing for me during the day when Rob isn't home to see it and then, no matter how hard I try, I can't get Jack to re-create the skill when Rob gets home. Either Jack has forgotten what he did or he is trying to make me look like a big, fat liar.

Fast-forward: Useful at those times when a tantrum is in full-swing, when we are stuck in traffic well-past nap time and during horrible baby illnesses like ear infections or the stomach flu.

Warning! Do not overuse this function or your baby will be 17 years old and applying to colleges before you know it and you won't be able to find the remote (since it is buried in the sofa) to press the rewind button.

Play: I don't really think that I need this button on my personal Baby Remote, but some parents of docile, compliant babies might appreciate this to give their child a little "get up and go!" Jack doesn't need anymore "get up and go." Jack needs a little more "sit down and read quietly to yourself while Mommy naps."

I really think that I might be onto something here. Fisher-Price, are you listening??

Mommies need a break (part deux)

I am scrapping the New Year's Resolution to get 365 posts done this year. I am having trouble finding the time to sit down to collect my thoughts most days so I'm taking the pressure off of myself. I'll blog as often as I can and I'll just remind myself that resolutions rarely stick -- all you have to do to prove this one is walk into my gym in January and then walk into my gym in February. Big difference in the crowds!

To know what kind of day I had today, just read last week's post. Perfect replica. No nap to speak of this morning, then I hauled Jack off to a play date at his gal pal Harper's house. He was the life of the party -- most of the mommies hadn't seen Jack upright yet so it was a proud moment for both of us. He ran around like a madman and (thankfully) didn't hit anyone, break anything or cause any trouble other than being constantly drawn to the buttons on Harper's gigantic TV. On the way home he was the classic Sleepy Baby, rubbing his red eyes and yawning so big that I could see down his throat. Once we got inside and he realized that we were on the way to his room, the yelling and the kicking began. Calmly, I continued on like nothing was happening and tried to get him to lay down. 30 minutes of screaming followed by 20 minutes of calming him down and we were back to playing in the living room.

It just can't be this hard! First, it was 2 good, long naps. Then it was one good, long nap (for 3 days.) Now, we are down to no naps and Jack is so exhausted by the end of the day that he has trouble overnight too! Aaargh! Can't a mommy catch a break??

We've got no plans tomorrow so the timing of the naps isn't so critical. Maybe I'll be able to calm down a little bit and just go with the flow. Probably not, but it's a nice idea, isn't it?

Mommies need a break too.

Just when I start to think I'm pretty good at this mommy thing I have a day like we are having today. I think Jack needs to eat and Jack needs to fling yogurt at me. I know that Jack needs to nap because he has bags under his eyes the size of Rhode Island but he screams bloody murder until I rescue him from the crib. I decide (perhaps unwisely) that we should go to the playground to rid Jack of all of his excess energy and that goes well, he even falls asleep on the way home. But, then comes the awful moment where I try to transfer him from the car to the crib and the horrible cry, scream, wail, sob cycle begins all over again. Jack wants to nurse. Jack doesn't want to nurse. Jack wants to nurse but decides to bite and kick instead. Just as I've almost reached my limit and the tears start to fall (mine, not Jack's) he laughs at me. That's it. I'm at my breaking point. Jack is in the crib. I'm sobbing in the kitchen. Jack is throwing all of his toys out of the crib and onto the floor and screaming "Mama" at the top of his lungs and all I can do is cry and cry and cry. I'm calm now but Jack is wide awake and I want nothing more than to curl up and take a nap. I know that there will always be days like this and that it has nothing to do with whether I'm a good mom or not, but it definitely seem like some sort of test that I'm failing. Today, anyways. There's still a few more hours left for me to feel like I'm redeeming myself. I'm going back in...wish me luck.

Hopefully this will put to rest...

Hopefully this will put to rest any of those doubts I may have concerning a switch at birth. I was going through some old photos and found this one -- me at 13 months old. It looked familiar and I wasn't sure exactly why until I was getting ready to frame Jack's Christmas 2009 photos. Then, it hit me. If Jack was wearing a yellow dress -- circa 1973 -- and if I happened to be donning a Santa suit, we could be twins. Fraternal twins, but twins, nonetheless. The books say that boys tend to resemble their mothers (to aid in the bonding process) and girls favor their fathers (for the same reason.) Not sure if this is the case in all families, but it seems to apply in ours.

Baby Expos are not really for Babies Part Deux

So, as I was saying, Jack would have been more than happy to skip the Baby Expo had we not stumbled upon a room filled with model train sets. Lots and lots of trains. Jack stood behind the yellow Caution tape and pointed at them for upwards of 30 minutes. I'm not sure that he blinked once! I'm not rushing out to purchase a set, but I can see one in our future. I have already given up on ever having a coffee table in the living room or putting my dining room table back into the center of the dining room (it has been pushed against the wall since Jack's birthday party) but where in the hell am I going to put a train set? Maybe I can get rid of the sofa? Anyways, I haven't seen Jack that captivated by anything since he first discovered TV.

When I was finally able to drag Jack away from the trains, we discovered another treasure: A Petting Zoo and Pony Ride Ring! Based on Jack's love of all things "farm" I thought he would relish the chance to not only read about, but actually touch the "moo cows" and "oink oinks." Boy, was I wrong. We circled the ring for a few minutes to get him acclimated to the idea of living, breathing farm animals and Jack was fine with the pig, the sheep and the goats. He was not, however, fine with the gobbling turkeys and the giant black llama that reached its long tongue over the fence in Jack's general direction. He immediately started screaming until he turned bright red and forgot how to breathe. I couldn't get out of there fast enough! Who knew that a bedraggled excuse for a llama could cause such misery?!

Do you know the best cure for llama-phobia? Trains. Jack and I spent 20 more awestruck minutes pointing at every train as it motored by us and the petting zoo was all but forgotten.

Thank god I didn't try to make him ride a pony!

Baby Expos are not really for Babies

Jack and I attended the Colorado Baby and Kidz (their goofy spelling, not mine!) Expo today at the Denver Merchandise Mart. I had no idea what to expect so I guess I can't say that I was disappointed. There was a lot of good information for parents (pre-schools, music lessons, etc.) and lots of things to try and buy. And, how can I forget to mention the free samples. Oh, how I love free samples!

The only truly unique, useful product I found were "Boogie Wipes." These are wet wipes for runny, snotty baby noses. This might not seem like a big deal, but if you ever have to wipe Jack's nose, you will appreciate any help that you can get! You can check them out at: www.boogiewipes.com.

If you're a mommy like me, you dread hearing the doorbell ring during nap time. I stick a Post-it-Note on the front door that reads (in Sharpie marker) "Please don't knock or ring bell. Baby is sleeping." Fancy? No. But (mostly) effective. There was a vendor selling adorable wooden plaques that Velcro to the doorbell that read "Hush, hush...baby dreaming." Much more attractive than my method, but $9-$12 can buy a lot of Post-it-notes.
Check them out at http://dreamkeepersonline.com/

My total winnings and take-home gifts from this event:

• Numerous formula, baby oil, moisturizer and diaper cream samples.
• $50 gift certificate to Stroller Strides (stroller exercise classes.)
• (1) free baby/mommy swimming lesson.
• A huge handful of Boogie Wipes samples (Jack distracted them while I filled up the diaper bag.)
• Lots of coupons that I will never use.
• One red balloon that I stole from one of the vendors to keep Jack happy for 20 extra minutes.

It was a good time but next year I think I'll head to this event alone.
The whole morning would have been a waste of time for Jack until we stumbled upon the...
(to be continued)

I am hiding from the baby

I am hiding in my guest bedroom. I was hiding outside earlier, but it got too cold. I am hiding from the baby because the baby is exhausted and he is exhausting me. If I don't hide, he might hear me tiptoeing around and lure me back into his room. I'm a sucker for the tears. His tears, not mine. Mine haven't started yet.

Jack is alternating between whimpering, whining and screaming. It is now 3:00 p.m. and he has been up since 7:00 a.m. without a nap. I know that it is about time to transition from two naps per day down to one, but I didn't think it would be happening today. We have already played this game twice today -- first at 10 and again at 12 and then I just gave up trying. Jack was so tired that he was running into walls, the furniture, the dog. He was trying to lean back -- all cool -- on the sofa and he slid down to the floor and tried to act like he meant to do that. Then, he cried.

He's not fooling me. I'm the mommy. I know better.

He is finally quiet. But, for how long?
I am running out of places to hide...

Things that Jack would say (if he knew more than 2 words)

Here are a few things that Jack would like to say aloud if he were able:

• I didn't bite you -- I only nibbled!
• Why are you trying to feed me that? Would you eat it? Ha! I didn't think so!
• I don't need a nap. I'm fine. Naps are for babies. I'll go to bed early. Really, I will.
• No. I don't want to. (This is an all-purpose statement.)
• Where are you going? Why are you leaving me here all by myself? Don't you love me anymore?
  
• I think we should get rid of all of the furniture and get a big trampoline instead.
• I think we should get another cat. Lots of cats, actually. I love cats.
• You don't need to buckle me in here -- I'll sit still. Really, I will.
• Read that one again. Now, read it again. And again. And again.
• You're so pretty! (I'm putting that one in just to make me feel better.)
  

He might be messy but he's all we've got!

Who says that drool and boogers can't be cute?

Mommies Night Out

Six mommies. 3 bottles of wine. Lovely appetizers, dinner and desserts. No babies. No husbands. A perfect night. We set the ground rules beforehand: no discussing babies and no husband-slamming.

What did we do all night? Tried not to discuss babies, which led to some dishing about our husbands, which led us back to talking about babies. Oh well. We tried. I can't really fault us for reverting to comfortable topics. We are mommies. We are wives. We all stay at home (for the most part) and our worlds have gotten very small. That's not a bad thing, that's just new for us. We used to be out in the world. We worked. We took classes. We ran in social circles. Now, we still work but our work is teaching and nurturing (not to mention cleaning and running errands.) We still take classes, but the topics have shifted from Medieval Literature and Thai cooking to baby sign language and Gymboree. We used to run in social circles. Now, we just run in circles. Literally. I know that Jack and I do at least 45 laps each day just in our house alone!
I know there will come a day when we might all return to working outside the home, go back to school or stay out on the town way past our bedtimes, but, for now, I'm totally happy to spend 3 hours with 6 wonderful women who (just a year ago) were total strangers to me. And who, with any luck, will remain my friends for years to come.

Sesame Street ain't what it used to be...

And I don't mean that in a bad way.

I know that I haven't been a regular viewer of Sesame Street since 1977, but a lot has changed since then. They are still very focused on teaching the ABCs and 123s and on instilling wonderful values like kindness and sharing, but the look of the show is quite different.

Some changes to note:

• There is a laundromat on the Street now, run by an Indian woman. Said laundromat is frequented by an elephant wearing a tutu. I don't think there is anything to infer from this but I thought it was interesting.
• A veterinarian has taken up residence. What an impressive show of business acumen! How were all of these animals getting their vaccinations before this? Did they have to go to Brooklyn? Is Oscar even an animal? What exactly is Oscar (besides a grouch?)
• Apparently, Mr. Hooper died. Now, a hilarious Asian guy runs the store and he gets all of the good lines. If I got to be on Sesame Street, I would want to be this guy.
  
• Who is Elmo's agent? Man, this Muppet is the focus of, like, 80% of this show! I know he's cute and all, but, seriously, he is really annoying!
• Bert and Ernie are no longer fixtures on the show. When they do appear, they are starring in Claymation shorts. This is wrong on so many levels...Bert and Ernie are supposed to be made of felt. Not clay. It's creepy.
  
• Where is Kermit? Did he die like Mr. Hooper did? Did Elmo -- or Elmo's people -- do something awful to him? Is he swimming with the fishes?
• Snuffaluffagus looks like hell! Can't someone brush this poor animal? There's a vet on Sesame Street now, for Christ's sakes! Doesn't she notice? Shouldn't Big Bird do something?
• There is now a celebrity appearing on almost every episode: Anderson Cooper, the Goo Goo Dolls, Sandra Oh, Michelle Obama. The list goes on and on. I don't remember seeing anyone other than the regular cast when I was a viewer. Muppets were the celebrities!
  
• The song is different, but the same. Not so sing-songy anymore. More of a hip hop version of its former self. Not sure if this change is for the parents or for the kids. It makes me sad.

This is still one of the best things on TV. We don't sit down to watch the show everyday, or even in its entirety when we do watch, but Jack seems to love it and I might even enjoy it more than he does! It makes me happy to know that there is at least one hour of programming each day where no one gets shot, no one is mean without consequences, no one utters a four-letter word (unless it is "shoe" or "boat" or "rock") and no one dies. Except for poor Mr. Hooper. And maybe Kermit. I'm still looking into that one.

Things that this SAHM is not allowed to do

I know I can't speak for all stay at home moms, but here are some things that I am not allowed to do:

• Get sick. I have no idea what single parents without family back-up do in this situation, but I had to have Rob stay home from work to watch Jack so I could sleep for 18 hours straight.
• Plan anything! Just when I think I have Jack's nap times under control, he throws me for a loop and I (and everyone around us) have to suffer through a major meltdown in Aisle 5.
• Enjoy a 3 hour beauty shop appointment. I haven't been in for a "real" haircut or color in 14 months. Great Clips doesn't count. Neither does a recent mishap with a box of Loreal Feria "Tortoise Shell" haircolor. I can't seem to find 3 spare hours to sit on my butt while someone else does the work, nor can I find the $150 every 8 weeks to make it happen.
  
• Shop smartly. I know that I have a growing boy to provide for, but do you know how hard it is to shop from a list, read labels, shuffle coupons and compare prices, all while trying to push a cart containing a baby that is turned around almost backwards in the seat, singing "LA LA LA" at the top of his lungs in your ear??
• Get to the gym. HA! I can go before 5 a.m. (before Rob goes to work) or after 5 p.m. (when Rob gets home.) The only times I have been up before 5 a.m. in the past year involve a hungry baby and by the time 5 p.m rolls around I am so worn out from the day that washing my face seems like a work out. Guess I'll have to trust the $7/hour day care workers at my gym and suck it up and go during the day.
• Wear earrings. Naked earlobes are really a must when you have a boy that is constantly poking his finger in your ear (human Q-tip?) and pulling hair, ears and whatever happens to be attached to them.

I think there could be weekly additions to this post. There are lots of things that SAHMs are allowed to do, but that list wouldn't be as funny...

Jack's 24 words

If I didn't tell you, the pediatrician told us that by Jack's 15 month well visit she would be looking for him to have a vocabulary of 24 words. I laughed at the time and thought "No problem!"

Well, it's a problem.

Jack still only says "Mommy" and "Daddy" aloud. He talks all of the time, but only other babies can understand him (and maybe the cat, I'm not sure.) We are very certain that he understands and recognizes the words or phrases on the following list but I am not sure that they will count as part of the "Big 24."

1. Batman -- as in "Where's Batman?" There is a big, stuffed Batman hanging on Jack's wall. He will point to it when asked.
2. Sophie/dog -- Jack will point to either our dog or a picture of a dog in a book when asked.
   
3. Lucy/cat
4. Birdie
5. Up
6. Milk
7. Water
8. Touchdown! -- Jack will throw his arms in the air when you say "Touchdown!"
9. Oh my! -- Jack will put his hands onto his cheeks when you say "Oh my..."
10. Tummy button -- Jack can point to his belly button and tummy. What a genius!
11. Nose -- Jack will point to your nose, his nose, the dog's nose, you get the idea...
12. Mouth
13. Feet
14. Family -- as in "Where is the family?" Jack will point to photos on our walls that feature all 3 of us.
    
15. Telephone -- except that everything is a telephone right now...
16. Cow/Pig/Duck/Sheep/Goat/Horse -- Jack can distinguish all of the different farm animals now. What is the big deal with babies needing to know this information? Do you know how many farm-related books and toys there are? How many babies are enrolled in 4H? Rural babies? Can't remember the last time I saw a cow roaming the streets of downtown Denver (excluding the Stock Show parade, that is.)
17. Baby

And, seriously? That's about it right now. If I keep driving in rush hour traffic with Jack, he will most certainly figure out 7 or 8 more words to add to his list but I wouldn't want him repeating those words in polite company...

This is what I deal with everyday

Evil, possessed child? Nope! That's just Jack. Being Jack. Pretty scary, huh?

When the only action you're getting is from your baby...?

I haven't had a hickey since I was 16 years old. That streak has been broken. I now have a big, red welt on my shoulder where Jack attached himself like a giant blowfish (or would that be suckerfish?) and I couldn't get him to stop! I don't know if this kid has an oral fixation or if he is still teething or what!? It's pretty sad when the only action you're getting is from your baby.

Other things that have made their way into Jack's mouth in recent days?

• a pink highlighter
• a tube of Chapstick
• every toy he owns -- every toy except his teething toys, of course
  
• the ice scraper in the backseat of the car
• the buttons on every sweater and coat that I own
• the Sunday comics
• Rob's bald head (Jack has a fondness for licking it!)
• our digital camera
• my cell phone, the house phone, the toy phones
• the lid from the margarine container
• Mommy's deodorant
• Mommy's eyelash curler

It's a wonder that the kid ever gets any actual food in his mouth with all of these other, more attractive items to chomp on.

Neither rain nor sleet...

So much for New Year's resolutions...

Only 5 days into mine and the stomach flu rears its ugly head. I will spare you the gory details, but needless to say, there was little time for blogging. I got it. Rob got it. Thank heavens that Jack was spared. I can handle many things but tiny people vomiting is sheer torture.

Off to bed for a final night of recuperation and back to the land of blog tomorrow!

January Blahs

I think that Jack and I are both suffering from the January blahs. It's been cold and snowy and we've been cooped up for a few days. We're also missing our Mommy group that has been on an unofficial hiatus during the hectic weeks of late December. After all of the excitement of his first birthday and the extravagance of Christmas we are left with a dirty house full of toys that are already starting to lose their allure. Jack has taken to playing with a saucepan and a colander. $3000 worth of shiny, noisy toys lying around and our kid chooses to play with cooking vessels. Go figure...
We're off to the Children's Museum tomorrow where Jack will ignore most of their toys too.

Why babies don't like to nap (and other burning questions)

Why doesn't my baby seem to enjoy napping? He always looks at me like I am trying to punish him in some way...
What does he think that I am doing while I have him locked away in his "baby jail?"
Am I...
Lying on the sofa eating ice cream out of the pint container? (I wish!)
Running errands? (I think that Children's Protective Services might get involved if this one were true...)
Watching one of his favorite They Might Be Giants DVDs while I eat his yogurt and drink his juice?
Chasing the cat and dog around the house?
Outside building a snowman?
Playing with all of his toys?
Hosting a play date for all of the babies in the neighborhood and giggling about how he is stuck in his crib while we are in the living room having SO much fun?
In all actuality, I am probably working on the computer. Or cleaning. Or doing laundry. Or reading. Or, if I am really lucky, stretched out on the sofa eating ice cream.

Things that Jack ate today

You might be expecting a list of funny things that made their way into Jack's mouth today, but I am being totally serious when I tell you that the following items were the sum total of Jack's meals today:
1 1/2 cups plain yogurt
Most of 1 piece of dry toast
2 (fairly large) handfuls of shredded cheese
1 meatball
1 olive (ended up spitting it out)
2 noodles from a pasta salad
1 cracker
2 bites of cottage cheese
1 ice cream cone (no ice cream...just the cone)
1 serving of Gerber Organics Bananas and Mixed berries
1 hamburger patty
1 pineapple tidbit (also spit out)
3 bites of banana pudding
1 bite of a chocolate chip brownie (God...this was disgusting! When he was done with it he looked like he had just had his stomach pumped with activated charcoal!)
1 sliver of carrot (from a bag of stir fry veggies)
1 sliver of red pepper (from the same bag of veggies)
2 glasses of whole milk
AND
a healthy dose of breast milk (because I think he may be starving for nutrients!)
Granted, many of the weird sounding items came from a salad bar at a restaurant but the rest of the menu was served at Chez Siders. You didn't think that I actually had ice cream cones in the pantry, did you?
I thought that Jack being able to feed himself (sort of) was supposed to broaden his horizons -- I didn't know that it would lead to him eating the same 3 foods for every meal of every day! Is is possible for a child to survive on only dairy products?? I know that Rob and I aren't always the most adventurous eaters, but, come on!

New year, new worries

I used some of the Christmas money to go buy myself a new book. Not fiction. Not a riveting best seller or something that can carry my mind to far off places. It's "What to expect -- The Toddler Years." Rob and I even had to discuss exactly what a toddler is...
We both came to the conclusion that Jack isn't an infant anymore based on the simple fact that his clothing is sized 18 months now and isn't located in the newborn or infant section of the store anymore. Very scientific! Also, the last "Expecting" book ended at 12 months and I'm pretty sure that parenting doesn't stop then as well.
So far I have looked up the following topics:
Biting
Throwing food, bottles and cups
Weaning (see "biting")
and
How to get your toddler to talk.
This was all much easier when all Jack could do was lay there and coo.
Jack doesn't seem to be biting anyone but me (for now) so, hopefully, with a few more teeth and a complete switch to cow's milk (funny...I've never had to distinguish it that way before this past year) the Dracula impulse will subside. The throwing of food and cups (according to the book) is an assertion of his independence and a good sign that he is on the right path to feeding himself. I am left wondering when he will be on the right path to cleaning up after himself. If it weren't for Sophie, I'd constantly be mopping floors. The talking thing is coming along slowly. He's mastered mommy and is sporadically using daddy. Pointing is his primary method of communication (along with the very effective screaming and crying.) At Jack's 12 month visit the pediatrician recommended that we focus on language skills for the next 3 months since she will be looking for 24 spoken words by the next well visit. Crap! So much pressure! There are days where I don't even think that I use 24 words! I'm hoping that if we don't meet this goal that we won't have to look for a new pediatrician. She can't really "fail" us as parents and discontinue Jack's care, can she??

The Year of 365 Posts

I
2010. We're not out whooping it up. Not that we ever really whooped it up on New Year's Eve, but if you add up the exorbitant price of babysitting, the over-priced and mediocre food at holiday time in restaurants and the very real dangers of being thrown up on in a bar or being hit by some amateur out on the road and you end up with a quiet evening at home. Jack was asleep by 7 and Rob and I caught up on some much needed t.v. viewing. I'm not too broken up about it. There will be other nights for excitement.
Based on this post's title, you can assume that my New Year's Resolution is to post everyday of this year. Rain, sleet, snow, hail -- nothing can stop me. Short of a major earthquake, I'll do my very best to keep you so "in the know" that you will probably be telling me to stop the flow of information somewhere in mid-February. You may not have asked for it, but here it is: 365 days in the life of Jack Siders (and mom and dad, too!)