The big question...baby #2?

Just as we were getting around to talking about what we used to do before we were mommies, what we might like to start doing again even though we are mommies, 3 of the mommies in my Meetup group are pregnant. At least 5 more are talking about getting pregnant. Me? I just listen and smile when the "baby #2" conversations start. I haven't ruled out the possibility but I have so many fears about doing this whole baby thing over again...

1. I haven't even stepped foot in a gym in the past year. There's NO way I'm adding 25 pounds of new baby weight when I haven't lost the 25 pounds from the first baby.
2. Most days, I think that I am really good at this Mommy business and I wonder why I didn't do it sooner. Then, there are days where I can't seem to get anything right, when everything I do is wrong and I wonder -- just for a moment -- why I even did it the first time.
3. Jack and I are just starting to get in a groove. Sleep patterns make sense (most of the time) and eating goes well (some of the time) and playing and learning is wonderful (all of the time!) How does another baby fit into our groove? Does Jack get left out? Does the junior addition suffer for attention while I continue to dote on Jack?
4. There may actually be a point when I decide to go back to work -- doing what, I have absolutely no idea. Two kids in daycare? Wait another 5 years until both are in school? By that point, many of my skills will be totally obsolete and I'll be an entry-level slave again. That idea horrifies me.
5. We'll have to move. Our house was relatively small pre-Jack and now, post-Jack, it looks like I am running an in-home daycare most of the time. We can't get rid of anymore furniture and with no basement and no usable attic space, we can't hide anything else away. Maybe we can rent out the vacant house next door as a storage unit?
6. How do you love two babies at once? I can't even imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love Jack. I don't know how to share my heart with anyone other than the two men in my life now. Does something have to give? Do you stop loving the others so much to make room for a new person?
7. I am just starting to allow myself to carve out some "me" time. If I have another baby attached to me 24/7, where does Amy go? Do I permanently become "Mommy?"
8. Finances. I don't really need to elaborate on this one. I know that we have already incurred most of the start-up costs, but I am kidding myself if I say that another baby wouldn't be expensive. First off, it could be a girl. We are only equipped for boys around here. Blue and brown, trucks and cars. Any daughter of mine would have an identity crisis by age 1 if we didn't add some dolls into the mix. Then, multiple everything by 2: music lessons, sports team fees, cars, college. And diapers. Lots of diapers. We're still looking at another year or so of Jack in diapers, but two at the same time? Rob will need to get a second job just to cover our grocery bills. Maybe I can just use paper towels and some duct tape?
9. Tick tock. Tick tock. That's Amy's biological clock ticking. The ovarian sands through the hourglass. I'm 37 now and that used to be my "scary" age for having a baby. I beat that milestone with Jack, but even if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 38 for this one. If I really want to beat myself up, I can think about the future: How old will I be when Jack gets his driver's license? When he graduates from high school? When he gets married? Will I need a walker to dance with him at his wedding? Yikes. I'm starting to feel older as I type.
10. No more extended stays in the NICU. We spent 28 days there with Jack and I'm not sure if my heart can take that again. There's a 25% chance that I could develop pre-eclampsia again. What if I'm not in the lucky 75%? How do I spend night and day with a new baby in the hospital and leave Jack at home to fend for himself? How do I steel my heart against the remote possibility that we won't be taking a baby home with us? Or, even worse, what if I actually have to go through "natural" childbirth this time? I didn't even get through all of the birthing classes last time. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to push. I only know how to lay still for an epidural and then let everyone else do the work for me.

So many fears. So many questions. I guess I'll know if it's right. And, if it isn't the right decision for us, I'll be secure in the fact that Jack is a perfect addition to our family and that we couldn't ever have asked for more.

But, my neighbor just brought home her new baby. 7 pounds 10 ounces of warm, mushy baby. I made the mistake of holding him last week. Ten tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. Totally helpless and totally adorable.

Maybe that's reason enough.