How Parenting an Infant is different from parenting a toddler

Apparently, there is a new set of rules that comes into play as your child moves through different stages of development. Infant protocol is drastically different from toddler protocol, which is different from pre-school protocol, etc. Don't even ask me about the teenage protocol -- I'm not sure the experts will ever figure that out!

Here are a few excerpts from the rule books:

Creating a safe and sanitary environment for your child.

For infants: Your baby will put everything he can grasp into his mouth. When this occurs, immediately swaddle your baby in a 100% organic cotton receiving blanket and place him in his $500 crib (created entirely from re-claimed wood.) Once you are certain that the baby is safely tucked away, take the mouthed item to the kitchen where it will be soaked in bleach for at least one hour and will then be run through the dishwasher -- twice.

For toddlers: Your child will continue to put everything he can grasp into his mouth, no matter how many times you try to stop him. When this occurs, immediately remove the mouthed item from your child's clenched teeth to check if it is a choking hazard. If you deem the item "safe" wipe it off on your jeans and return it to your child. Cleaning products and cat poop should be kept far away from your child as he will turn them into appetizers and cocktails.

Hygiene and Diaper Changing

For infants: Your breastfed baby will produce mass quantities of poop but they will not be offensive to your sensitive nose since you are a new parent and you will claim that your child's poop smells of daffodils. Your child will lay perfectly still for you as you lovingly apply 100% organic diaper cream to her tender bottom. She will coo as you put on her 100% organic cotton diaper and dress her.

For toddlers: Your sometimes breastfed, but mostly "real food" eater will produce mass quantities of poop and they will offend the noses of all who encounter them. You are now an experienced parent and you know that your child's poop not only doesn't smell like daffodils, it also doesn't smell like anything found in nature. Your child will wriggle and kick and scream as you try to slap drugstore diaper cream on her while trying to keep her hands out of the poopy diaper. She will try to bite you as you put on her landfill-bound Pampers diaper and she will twist and turn until she falls off of the changing table and into the laundry hamper.

Choosing toys for learning and emotional growth

For infants: Every waking moment is an opportunity for you to teach your child. Choose brightly colored (non-toxic, of course) toys created lovingly by skilled artisans. Natural materials are the only option. Spend at least 6 hours daily playing with your child.

For toddlers: Your child will shun all "learning" toys. Your child will play with pots, pans and Tupperware. Your child will chase the dog and tackle the cat. Your child will be happy playing with a wooden spoon and an empty Kleenex box. For this age group, spend at least 1 hour playing with your child and 5 hours cleaning up after your child.

Tune in tomorrow for more exciting parenting tips!